will you look at me wierdly if i go into the toilet and stick my finger down my throat, and i puke out all the sweet thing? oh, come on, it's not like i ate something anything spicy, it won't be that painful, it could have been worse, it's just me wanting to stick that finger down the throat and just puking all that shit out, it's not like it has to be in there... why don't you come and join me?
you know we deserve it, well at least i know i deserve it, i am such a horrible person i neeeeeeeeeeeeed to be hurt, i deserve it, i deserve it so much and it's not like it was spicy food, i wouldn't do this if it was spicy, no, that would be too disgusting, i ate something sweet, it's not gonna hurt - what do you mean you think it's crazy?
wow, that must make you a happy person, wow, you think that... you think that we don't need to do those kind of things to ourselves? no need to feel the pain? it's not actually about the pain: it's about doing bad things to yourself, just as you do to all the people and everything else around you every fucking day - you make the world a worse place: BUT YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE THAT? no, i'm happy for you.
i actually am happy for you. i am happy you feel like you're worth more than this. i am happy that you think that all that love and the cupcakes and the glitter and the kisses is something that is... i don't know? what is it?
you feel like you deserve it, is that it?
please tell me what you feel. i honstely don't understand it, but i wish i could. you make it seem like your place is a happier place than mine, i don't even know if i believe in happiness anymore - unless it's summer, i only believe in it when i feel happy. this is me when i'm not happy, so why am i more satisfied now? why do i feel more complete now than i ever do when i am 'happy'? why does this feel more real than in the summer, when you feel happy and loved and nice and tiny and small and beautiful?
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