Tuesday, March 19, 2013

i whisper things to myself when i'm alone these days

i know that all the cells in my body are working to make me better but it doesn't really make me feel better. i feel very sorry for them, and i'm sure it isn't a waste of time (i mean, i would have been dead now if it hadn't been for these cells and that would have made at least twenty people really sad)

the last days have been wierd. some weeks ago i started going to the toilet when i didn't really need to shit or piss, and to be honest i didn't really want to go the toilet, but i guess the thing was that i felt like i wanted to be nowhere and toilets are the most socially acceptable nowheres there are.

i would have my anxiety attacks there because i would be thinking 'if you're gonna have it anyway, you better get out of here because this is going to make everyone around the table very confused'. so you know, when i can't listen to the conversation anymore and my brain doesn't want to tune in on anything good, well yes my brain just closes itself off from everything and all the people around me that occasionally tell me that they love me, my head freezes and my heart goes tatak tatak tatak tataktataktatatakakakakakka i have to leave that room. because behaviour like this is very hard for me to explain and it confuses people. that is not what i want to deal with - of all the things i have to deal with these days explaining my way of acting to other people does not feel like a duty right now.

so i lock the door and a second later i sit down because that is what you usually do or something like that. that action is normally not planned, it's just that it's a good way to figure out what is happening or what you want to do with it. sitting down alone as the sad little fuck you are. buhuhu.

that's what i felt like yesterday. i got angry at myself and i couldn't handle it, there was something i had to do to feel better. and i didn't feel bad while doing it, even though i knew that many people would be sad if they knew that i did what i did, but it made me happy and i don't know how to make them understand that so i am not going to try either.

these days, i pinch myself very hard on my tummy and don't let my fingers relax before they can't go on anymore. i would like to see some blood, but i never do.

these days, i whisper things that are on my mind without even meaning to do so when i am alone.

these days, i have stopped fantasising about someone to talk to and tell all my secrets too, because i tried that and i am still not sure what good came out of that.

these days, i wonder why people seem to think i don't see the beauty in life and my surroundings, but i know for sure that i see the beauty clearly and i know that that possibly cannot be what makes me feel this way: the feeling that there is a lack of beauty, and these days i think it's sad that people have this misperception of what is happening to me.

but these days, i don't know how to explain what is happening, so i guess i better let people think whatever they want, because my thoughts are not much use these days. 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you no-one is coming for you 

Sunday, March 10, 2013

today i learnt that stars don't twinkle - the atmosphere make it look like they do.

(i wonder if that really matters to me)