FRAGILE FRACTIONS

Autumn is such a fragile season and it comes with fragile people and fragile smiles. It is like if people during autumn are confused. They are perplexed and frustrated, but they don't know that they are frustrated or they just don't know why.

Then winter comes and people are more confident again. They are depressed and lonely, but they are confident. Not much can be done to change your mind during winter.

But autumn. Autumn is different. Everything is different during autumn. Autumn lays the foundation for winter, which was a season I intended to not go through alone. That is why I had to tell Lucas the truth. I had to tell him the truth about us because I was sure he hadn't comprehended it yet. Remember, people were confused during autumn; Lucas was one of these people.

We sat down on a bench and I asked if I could hold his hands. He nodded and took my hands, but without passion and that annoyed me.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” he asked me. He smiled, but it wasn't a nice smile, it was just a smile he smiled trying to make me feel comfortable, to assure me that everything was OK.

I looked down at his hands that were laying over my hands. “It might sound silly, but sometimes I feel like I don't mean enough in your life. I have no part in it. No important role. I want to make you happy, sad, warm and cold at the same time. Sometimes it annoys me that I'm not the person who is able to do that to you.”

“Why do you want to make me sad and cold?” he asked.

“Just because me causing sadness in your life means that I mean so much to you that I'm able to hurt you”.

He took his hands away and tried to look me in the eyes. “But why do you want to mean so much to me you can hurt me?”

“Because you are able to hurt me!”

“But I can't help that,” he said. He moved a bit further away from me. I told him I know it's not his fault and there isn't that much any of us could do with it.

“One day I'll mean that much to you,” I told him.

“But I don't know if I want you in my life like that”. He stared at the tree in front of us. I looked at him.

“Why not,” I asked. “Things like that just happen, just like it happened to me”.

“Yes, perhaps,” he said. “Maybe you're right.”

“But why don't you want me to mean that much to you? Don't you like me? Why are we even here then?” I looked at him but he had his eye on his shoes.

"No, but... I don't know. I don't know why. You've made me confused”.
I smiled. “Good”.

“Why is that good,” he asked. “Why is it good that I am confused?” He looked at me now and I kept smiling.

“Because I mean so much to you I made you confused”.